the footprints end here

"I have nothing to offer, romantically," she said.

I had been expecting it, deep in the my heart, I felt it coming for weeks now. We were playing rummy [she had just taught me how], in a small bar above an ethiopian restaurant. I stared at the cards, it was my turn. I couldn't concentrate on the game.

"I gotcha..." I said quietly.

"And, if we're on the same page that would be great. If not, I would feel really bad."

I stared at the cards. I shuffled them around. I couldn't concentrate. It was 1:30 am, we were playing rummy in a quasi-shady bar above an ethiopian restaurant and she was breaking it off with me.

I tried to hide everything behind my smiles. Behind my normal, "everything's gonna be ok" demeanor. But I was shredded apart. I couldn't say we were on the same page. Because, quiet simply, we weren't. I started to miss her already.

It was the first sight of snow this winter and it had come down without question. The world was freezing. She picked up the cards and put the deck away. I couldn't look. I didn't want to break apart. I had to be strong.

"Wanna go?" I asked. She nodded yes,
"Just let me finish this cigarette" she added. I gulped down the rest of my beer, and stared at the table.

"Are you mad?" she asked. I twisted my face.
"No, no. Hell no. I'm not mad." and I wasn't. I was devastated. We found each other as the cold airs of autumn set in, and I remember thinking; "what great timing. This winter would of been impossible to get through alone".

On the first honest day of winter, with the black leafless trees swaying under the heavy winds of ice and snow, I was alone again.

I stared at the table. We left.

She held onto me, not wanting to slip on the snow and ice, while we walked the few blocks back to her apartment. She opened her door and we walked up the 8 flights and into the apartment. I had no idea if she wanted me to stay or go, so I remained aloof while she changed for bed. She found me in the living room, and asked what I was doing. I fumbled with my words.

"Do you want me to stay or leave?" I asked unsuredly. She looked out the window.
"Well, it's late and it's snowing out... you should probably stay."
"Ok, just wanted to be sure." and I got up, following her into her room. I shut the door, sat down and took my boots off, my jacket anc scarf and climbed into bed next to her. She was facing me, curled under the blankets, and her head rested under my chin. I held her for a moment, wanting to kiss her so badly. Wanting to hug her, but it was no longer a possiblity. A moment later, she turned away, and I lay next to her, looking at her back. I wanted to wrap my arm around her. I wanted to hold onto her, and rest my cheek against the back of her neck, but I didn't know if I should. My arms drew in close to my body, and I held them there. Crossed and locked.

It was the last night, the last time, this moment would ever happen. The last time I would lay next to her. The last time I would ever be this close to her. The muscles in my stomch flexed and spasmed. Holding back the well of sadness that was growing, growing... growing. I stared at her back. The last time I would see her back as she slept. The last time, the last time. I turned away, my back to hers, and looked out the window. The black trees swaying. The wind rattling her windows, moaning, whipping the city around.

It overwhelmed me, and a tear fell on her pillow while she slept. I clentched my jaw together tightly, my lower lip quivered.

"what happened..." I thought.

I stared out the window. the last time. the last time. I was amused by the blatant symbolism of her warm body next to me, and the cold, dark and forboding winter streets outside. And the tears swelled. My hands in fists, holding the blanket near my face.

What happened...

I turned and looked at her hair. The last time, for the last time. I put my arm around her, but there was no reaction. She was asleep or ignoring my embrace. I couldn't tell.

couldn't tell.

couldn't tell what happened.

I thought about our past weekends together. About her kisses. I thought, goodbye west philly. goodbye roof top chess games. goodbye green eyes. This is the last time, the last time.

I felt the Fear. Scared of what comes next. She gave me a reason not to wreck myself on painkillers, booze, starvation and sleep deprivation. Now the reason was gone, and the door to all my vices wide open, the lights on. I was scared of so much loss and what was lurking, waiting to fill the void.

I pulled my arm away, and turned to face the window again. I was torn between turning to hide my desperately quiet sobs, and facing her to absorb every last second, every last one of her details. Because this was the last time, the very last time, any of this would happen.

torn between being mindful of every second and turning away to hide my sadness.

eventually, I fell asleep only because I couldn't force my eyes to stay open any longer.

An alarm went off, and woke us up. Night had turned to day, and the snow had picked back up. The winds were harder and colder. the sky was more grey. She climbed over me and out of bed, turning the alarm off. I lay still, my eyes closed for fear they were red and revealing of crying myself to sleep. She climbed back in bed and curled up next to me, pushing herself against my body. My arm lifted and wrapped around her. I held her close. I held her, my face rested against her back.

The last time, the last time.

we fell asleep.

The alarm went off again and she got up, but this time she didn't get back into bed. I listened to her start the shower. I stared out the window, stared stared. I felt the tears waking up with me and they wanted to break free.

I pulled myself up, threw on my sweatshirt and cracked the window. Sat down and lit a cigarette. I stared out the window.

for the last time. the last time.

goodbye west philly.

She came in a few moments later, and smiled. Her hair was wet.

"you're up..." she said. I smiled and nodded, lighting another cigarette.

"You could of stayed in bed."

"No, I'm fine."

"Did you sleep ok?"

"It was a little restless," I said, looking away.

"Are you ok?" she asked. I nodded and smiled.

"I'm fine. I should get myself ready..." and I got up to go to the bathroom and wash my face.

I came back out and we got ready. Bundled up, and left. The snow was thicker. Colder. She held onto me again and I held onto her.

last time. last time.

We walked into the coffee shop and Interpol was playing. The soundtrack to being heartbroken over my ex and our breakup. I shook my head and grinned briefly. We sat down with our coffee and talked. She was adorable. He voice was playful. As though she was either relieved that she didn't have the pressure of dating me anymore or was just trying to ignore the fact that she broke it off. The music shot me in the heart and I had to keep looking away, out the window, to avoid breaking apart over a cup of coffee and in front of her green eyes.

"Sick of spending these lonely nights, training myself not to care..." he sang.

"You look sad..." she said. I lowered my head, played with the cup of coffee.

"Like you want to shoot me in the face." she added. I shook my head.

"no, not at all." I paused. I was choking up. "I just don't handle transitioning well..." I looked away, fighting the pain.

"What?" she leaned in closer.

I lowered my head again. I didn't know if I could repeat it again without losing it.

"I don't handle transitioning from..... one, to the other... well." I got it out. She looked down and away. She didn't feel good about it, but there was nothing to be done about that. There was no way I would be able to just switch gears and feel fine about everything. It's not how I operate. I throw everything I have into a situation, damning the consequences. I often get hurt, quite often, and no matter what, it always hurts the same. It never gets easier to have all that energy and emotion thrust back because it is immense. It is a lot. It's everything I have to give, and I bleed my veins to give everything I have.

The returning impact is always a horrible stun.

We left and trudged through the snow back to her apartment. She walked up the stairs and turned around.

"You going to catch the bus now?" she asked. I nodded.

"Yeah..."

"Ok George..." she stepped forward and put her arms around me. I hugged her tight. Clentching her jacket by her shoulder. I held her close.

The last time. The last time.

"Have a good day" I said as we pulled away.

"Ok, you too."

I turned and walked away, slowly. hands in my pockets. It felt like a movie, complete with a soundtrack by Interpol, and I was hoping for the hollywood ending. Where she comes running back out and catches me and we kiss and we hold each other and the audience turns to goo and eyes water over and the world has proven, once again, that romance endures.

She never came, and as I sat down on the bus, I stared out the window.

for the last time, the last time.

goodbye west philly.

goodbye green eyes.