It's a new dawn [41 degrees this morning]

It's 9:30 am, and I've got a bad case of the shakes. Woke up thirty minutes ago, and took a piss. Realized, on the way back to the bedroom, that my staggering was not out of sleepiness, but that I was still drunk. Lit a cigarette, took a few pills.

I shouldn't be here.

I need to sober up. Need to stop the shakes.

Can't remember when I passed out, but I remember missing our sex last night. I would come home drunk and want you, want you, want you. Came home drunk last night, and wanted you again. Can't remember when I passed out.

does it really matter anymore?

We all had south philly cheesesteaks last night. You could of spelled out your name with the dripping mess. I need to wash the grease off my jacket at some point today. You were cold, and I put my arm around your shoulder to try and warm you up. I'd like for there to be something. There isn't.

I spend my nights trying to hold onto people made of smoke.

Called her at 3 am, and woke her up. Her mumbling voice, her mouth filled with sleep. My mumbling voice, my blood filled with chemicals. We have the same color eyes, I told her. I like hers a lot better then mine.

I fell out of my chair, looking at her sideways picture.

The smile across my face, has a secret bitterness in it, that can't be seen, unless you've been in the gutter too. It's in the corners of my lips, near the wrinkles that formed, from having cried too much. Near the scar across my cheek. Near your hand prints, that are still visible [with cereal box x-ray glasses], around my throat.

I sleep with words.

Woke up in different positions through the night. Curled up in the middle of the floor. Woke up length-wise. Woke up up-side-down. Woke up on my belly. Woke up on my back. It's easy to toss and turn, when there's that freedom of movement, of sleeping alone.

This week, we're celebrating getting old.

The demon alcohol is out of hibernation, and it wants to party. I shouldn't be here, but I'm not resisting. I shouldn't be here, but I'm quite happy giving up control. If just for a little while. Just for a little while.

I'll smile the whole way through.