but I like you

I don't like waking up in the morning, especially 8 am. I don't like my job. I don't like that my room is a mess. I don't like that I'm too lazy to clean it. I don't like my posture, and I don't like how my toes are shaped. I don't like that I'm 24 and already have back problems. I don't like that I'm vain, and that I do care about looking good when I go out. I don't like that I didn't go to college after high school, and that I make $17,000 a year, and that I belong to a lower class. I don't like the feeling that I will never do anything important with my life. I don't like those moments alone at night, when all I can think about is how many times I've been a fuck up. I don't like feeling broken inside. I don't like feeling that my life has been divided in two parts; before and after my ex. I don't like how my teeth aren't perfectly straight, and that they're not gleening white because I've smoked for so long. I don't like how I've spent most of my life trying to change who I am, trying to be an idealised version of myself. I don't like how I have no patience for my mother and her neurosis, even though I love her so much. I don't like that I never knew my father, and I don't like living with the fear that I will inherit his diseases, or already have. I don't like that sometimes I'm arrogant. I don't like that I'm too selfconscious of my every action. I don't like that I force myself to pretend that nothing worries me, that I'm afraid of nothing, because I worry constantly, and I'm full of fears. I don't like that I was never good at math. I don't like how I have ten thousand ideas I want to create, but never follow through. I don't like that I made myself stop being a helpless romantic. I don't like how being a helpless romantic always left me alone in the end. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror after I've spent the previous night trying to break my mind and body on painkillers and booze. I don't like how much I like hurting myself. I don't like that I do it because I tell myself I deserve it. I don't like how easily I accept this. I don't like it how my heart swims over her, and all I can do is watch as though she's a movie I'll never get tired of seeing, but am always disappointed it's not my life. I don't like how my hands that want to hold her are bound and how my lips that want to kiss her are taped over. I don't like it when words fail me. I don't like my secrets. I don't like how I've hurt people. I don't like that I never got the chance to hurt some people. I don't like my past. I don't like that I've lied so much. I don't like when my hypocrasy is so blatant. I don't like how some people can wear their issues on their sleeves, but I've only learned how to conceal mine behind my smile. I don't like how allergic I am to dogs. I don't like how smokey my room is all the time. I don't like how I keep staring at the painkiller sitting on my desk, and I don't like how it's staring back at me. I don't like that I can't do more for my friends. I don't like that I can't leave this city and everyone in it right this very moment. I don't like how many ghosts I've made here. I don't like that I'm 24 pushing dead. I don't like feeling that my mea culpas are far from complete. I don't like that nobody tries to stop me. I don't like that I refuse to let myself ask for help. I don't like my pride. I don't like my stubborness. I don't like it when I realize just how stupid I can be at times. I don't like it when I can't make a decision. I don't like feeling directionless. I don't like it that I've learned how easy it is to stop caring. I don't like it when I just can't stop caring no matter how hard I try. I don't like writing this, because it scares me knowing that people are reading it.