breaking up is fucked up [an apology to the girl I love]

I want to say I miss you
I want to say I love you, still
I want to say it's all wrong
want to say that we should work things out
want to say that you're the greatest girl, that I'll never meet again
want to say that I can't get the feeling of your fingers out of my hair
to say I'll always remember my hand across your body while we slept
to say I'm sorry
I'm so fucking sorry

but I won't because settling for comfort is not correct
it's not right,
I want you to be angry with me,
I want you to ignore me
want you to resent me for hurting us
want your hostility
it feeds the mechanics
that push us away

it's your sadness, that tears me apart the pieces of me falling with great violence into your lap.

I have to go back to doing the wrong things
to the field of making horrible mistakes
I have to pick fights with the intent of losing
because I'm not tough enough for this life yet
your protector is weak and soft,
not strong enough to shield you anymore
from all the slings and arrows,
you don't deserve.
But I have to return to those nights
of drunken uncertainty
to those nights
where nothing existed
except every possiblity
and the false hopes and aspirations of meeting them all.