a message to the girl I love, more then she'll ever know [oh god, just fight your unwillingness]

Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 8:23 am

when I told you over the phone,
"You'd rather have him then me,"
you didn't argue it.
you didn't refute it

because that's the way it is?

All I wanted to hear
was you tell me that wasn't true.

don't you know, every accusation and assumption I said, I wanted you to argue? I wanted you to tell me it wasn't true. I just wanted you to fight against yourself for me. I wanted to battle you until we had nothing left but our raw and bloodied bodies to support one another. To shed our layers of callouses and armor. Rip it down, throw it away, and just leave flesh, bone and two hearts beating.

but it never happened. you never fought back against me. you never showed that you cared enough to fight.

I thought your love for me was strong enough to get over your misgivings and reservations.
but the recent negative
out weighed all the years of good.
I thought your love for me was strong enough to get over that.

we used to joke about who loved each other more. but now the truth of jest is in the foreground, and it's answer is abundantly clear.

and that's the greatest wound.
that you could stop loving me the way you used to,
because you can't let go of the mistakes and difficulties to try from a fresh start.

I know you slaved for me, baby.
I know you needed to go on guard at times.
I know I did so many wrong things to hurt you.
I want to be a better man for you.
and show you I'll change my heart and world for you

and I can only want to love you more. and I forced you away mistakenly. and now you force me away purposely. I can only want to love you more, but now I have to leave you for a place I can never come back from. my heart is being pulled in opposite directions, while another slips into yours.

and because you're convinced
we won't work,
we'll never know
how much we could of really loved each other.

will we?

this is what my heart sees

.new .older .profile .email .guestbook .soundtrack :: defect

dland exuant omnes your voice drifts away into lost binary alleyways it echoes photography

last five:
A Winter Letter - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
almost but not quite - Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006
rural times, blue skies. it feels so warm over my hair - Wednesday, Jun. 01, 2005
smiles and gone - Monday, Feb. 07, 2005
I caught my love in North Carolina - Monday, Nov. 29, 2004

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