The Final Word

The fatal blow was dealt at 1am at the airport. Two worlds collided with a caged and muted cry. In the end, I lost the battle to fix my wrongs and reclaim all I had thrown away.

to the victor goes the spoils.

So many words filled my head, but i couldn't say any of them to her. It would just be another mistake, and i made too many just by opening my mouth to tell her how much I loved her. So many cracks and cuts opened in my heart, and my fighter's spirit crumbled. So many words I had for her that night, tossed away in a deft moment by the arrival of my grief.
I watched from a distance as each word they quietly said took one away from me, until their smiles and "see you laters" finished me off. How hard I had been fighting for her and would continue to fight, but it went unnoticed. What a fool I was! to think could fight to win her love back. In my blindess, I wasn't able to see that she didn't want me to fight for her. I wasn't able to process her words, I could only focus on the fight. My heart is a fighter, I have been this way since I was very young. But she did not want my heart
Apologies and laments would be offered to her friends, her lover, but none to me. Nothing comes back to me as if I never was the person she could fall on for so many years. as if we never knew each other. All the years of opening up to each other, and now the door was locked closed.

but this is all expected.

Didn't I do this to myself? Isn't this my crop? It is, and I thought love and tenacity could change the world. This is no hollywood script though, and no happy ending has been written. instead all my hope and dreams of laughing and loving her again came full speed back at me, my own bullet ripping into my heart. Imight as well of pointed it at my chest to begin with.

she said, "you don't want me seeing other people, so you must be happy on some level." how wrong that was, but right too. I didn't want her seeing other people, I wanted us to exist again. But I wasn't happy. I was far from happy. i knew she would see him again and mend her broken image. Her new man was serious about her, I could see it. He was at the airport at 1am for her. He pulled her away. I was unhappy because of how upset she was. watching her cry in the cab ride home wrecked me. i wanted to hold her, to tell her it was going to be ok. To comfort her. But all I could do was touch her arm, which brought no response. the door was firmly locked. Not a single effort would be spared to rebuild the road that would lead us back together again, but she would divert every energy to him and try to make right with him. And these moments are as clear as the sun on a cloudless day. Her focus was on him, not on me. She showed me her choice, and I was not the one. The battle had been lost. She showed such concern for how he viewed her, how she presented herself to him. Whereas I was granted nothing except her back as she took her steps to another man.

I wanted to fight for you, until I tore myself apart and died in the process. But you showed me the fight was useless no matter what, it was suicide. i wanted to see that she still cared, that her heart was willing to choose me over someone else. That she still loved me as much as she used to say she did, and that would drive away what held her back. It was never shown. the message was received. While she mends her broken image to a man who wants to be hers, I am whitherng away. While she calls him to apologize, I am left for the wolves. It's hard to accept that since I was 18, I devoted my heart and life to you, and you to me, but you can't open up again while I am doing everything to show you that my heart is open to you.

I would have done anything to fix us, but you turned me away to the world, to be alone with my defeat. I have no distractions except pain and more pain. It's the only outlet I've found that can distract me from suffering over you. But it is so temporary, and the pain loses it's euphoria too fast. the wounds heal, and I must keep opening new ones. You have the comfort of others, I have my head and the weight of a dead heart I carry around.

I ruined so many things in such a short time, and I've taken the blame for it all. I will hold this blame and grief for the rest of my life. I threw you out, but when I realized my mistakes, I only made more, believing I was trying to fix them. i will always blame myself for this. I fell before you in tears, begging you to put aside your misgivings and take back the boy you once loved so much. I begged for your permission to fall in love with you again, but nothing worked. your mind is set on someone else, and my heart is set only on you. This ruined me.
Even with all this in the open, I know I will never hear from you like I once did every day. In time, when I can suffer through this shell shock and try to piece the fallen body of my heart back together again, I will not be anywhere near your oasis. I came home that night a defeated warrior, shamed, and found nothing was there for me. the cigaettes only started to make me vomit. The self infliction gave no relief. I couldn;t even cry to release the pain, the shock was too overwhelming. I am adrift, moving rapidly away from you by your guiding winds and currents. Even the quiet livingroom I lay motionless in, seemed to sway and oscillate like an ocean all around. When this paralysis ends, which I am confident it will some day, and I can start to take the sails under my own direction, I will steer far away from your paradise, for I know I am no longer welcome there. until then, while my heart is unable to move, I am left with just my racing thoughts, and the long difficult process of healing from her great victory over me. I am left with a mantra, and the process will begin and end with it;

"desire is the cause of suffering. To end suffering, cease desire."

words I had read a thousand times, but now I am faced with their ultimate challenge- ceasing the desire of wanting to love. and I know this is the correct way, but it's the last thing I want. I want to desire, I want to remain attached to her. I want her still. I want to do the wrong things to get her back. In the end, I will be gone, not even a glow in the distance. But there is no real end, only the moment we're at. So I am just an illusion of what once was there. A trace, a light trail, a fading ghost.

I am already gone.

this is the impermanence of life. the sadness is no longer routed in losing her, it is in the fact that once life ends, this one chance at life, whatever could of been, will never be.

even with these words presented to you, you still won't fight for a chance at us. Will you?

she is the greatest joy I've ever known, all i wanted was you, but now you've shown me that what could of been, never will be. this is my sorrow, personal and protective I am of it. it is mine, to cherish and hold close. it is all I am left with, and for that, I must love it.