You're shining baby

Saturday, Oct. 04, 2003 2:25 pm

my cell phone rings around 1:30 on a saturday afternoon. Flip it open, it says her name.

a breeze in a cold cave.

I pick it up and say hello.

"Hi, it's elva."
"Yeah, I know. What's up?"
"I got a letter from the Army. It's thick. Looks important."

My heart sinks. I hate letters from the military.

"Can you open it?"

She does and reads it to me.

"Something about seperation from the Army... it looks like your whole military record."

I breath a sigh of relief, and then tense up again.

"Is there anyway I can come pick it up?"
"Yeah, I'll be around. Call me when you're coming over."

I've had two long walks in my life. Leaving her to go to boot camp. That light blue morning. The sadness of that morning.
The second was the walk from my place to hers to pick up this packet. It seemed to slow and the streets grew longer the closer I got. One block away, and the devil put his arm around my shoulders.

I stopped at the bottom of her apartment steps and stared at the brown, weathered door. I stared. I walked up and looked at the row of buzzers. I had to search for her apartment number.

"Hello?"
"It's me."
"I'm coming down. Hold on a second."

I wait. A breeze in a cold cave. There's a puddle of rain water on the white steps. My boot causes ripples.

The door open and she smiles. Hands me the packet.

"How are you?"

I think I try to smile.

"I'm ok."
"Here. Give me a hug."

She opens her arms towards me.

She opens her arms to me.

I lean in and put my arms around her. I hold her. I hold her tight. She holds me tight. She stays close. Close. Her head rested between my shoulders and neck. She stays close. I keep her close. I feel it in my stomach. I feel it swelling. I hold it back. I keep it down. I don't let the tears come. I hold her close.

we let go.

She asks if I want to walk with her to the laundromat. I say yes, and we walk off. I light a cigarette. Hold it back. Keep it in my stomach.

She's a busy body in the laundromat. I look through my papers. A boy washing his clothes catches glances at her. I want to get in his face. I want to keep him away from her.

forgetting... she can walk over and kiss him and there's nothing I can do about it. Forgetting. There's nothing I can do. Forgetting. I can't do anything to have her look at me the way she used to. Forgetting. Hope died.

I look through my papers. I try not to watch her. I try not to remember. I try not to look at her and remember the way she was. I look at my papers.

We leave and walk back to her apartment. Stopping at the bottom of her stairs.

"Well, thank you for the papers."
"Sure, no problem. I'm going to call you at some point. You left some thing's behind. Books and such. I'm sure you'll want them back. Is that fine?"
"Sure. That's ok."

She leans in a hugs me again. I hesitate. I hug. I hold.

"It was good to see you again." she tells me.

Hold it back. I keep myself from crying. Hold it down. Keep it hidden.

"Yeah. It was good to see you."
"I started getting together my graduate school applications. I hope to know by april if I got in."
"What schools are you looking at?"
"Columbia. NYU. Georgetown."

She'll be gone forever. She's leaving. She's going to be a professional. She's going to get a career. She's going to get married. She's going to have a family. She's leaving. Gone gone forever. I stare at the ground and kick at the first dead leaves that have started to fall.

After next spring, I'll never see her again.

Hold the tears back. Hold them back. My stomach is swelling from eating my heart. Hold it all back. I watch her talk. I watch her eyes. I look at her skin and I see my hand reaching out and cupping her face. I see my fingers running through her hair. I watch her lips. I see my hand running across her neck. You're shining baby.

"Good luck with that."

I lower my head. You're shining baby. After next spring, I'll never see her again. I want to tell her I love her. I love her.

"Ok. I'll talk to you later."

she starts to walk up her steps.

"Take care of yourself."

I turn and walk away. Shoving my hands in my pockets and holding the packet under my arm. I walk away.

Walk away.

I hold it back. My heart devoured by my stomach. Hold the tears back. Don't let myself cry.

I feel regret for the first time in my life. I feel regret.

I wanted to say; I love you.

I want to say; I love you.

I said; "take care of yourself."

After next spring, I'll never see her again. You're shining baby.

hold it back.

I get home and throw the papers on the table. Go upstairs and write.

I feel regret.

I wanted to say; I love you.

I said; "Take care of yourself."

I stare at these words.

I feel the swelling. My heart eaten alive.

I cry.


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dland exuant omnes your voice drifts away into lost binary alleyways it echoes photography

last five:
A Winter Letter - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
almost but not quite - Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006
rural times, blue skies. it feels so warm over my hair - Wednesday, Jun. 01, 2005
smiles and gone - Monday, Feb. 07, 2005
I caught my love in North Carolina - Monday, Nov. 29, 2004

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