relax

I got home this evening, and thought; "if two things go right, just two things, I will be fucking happy."

one thing turned out right. the other, the more uplifting but also the more imaginary of the two, went quiet.

between moments of attempted self-destruction [still trying to forget], I find that I'm fighting for crumbs.

at one time, I would think of this as a miserable way to live. But to be honest, I don't really know much else now. I don't really care to know much else, not as long as I'm still here in this city, this city I love with every breath. This city that I love, this city... I need to run from it or bury myself in it.

I haven't been sober [except for a day here or there, never by my choosing] in about 4 or 5 months now.

and to be honest, there's no desire in me to be sober at all.

I simply don't want it.