a feeling of absolutely nothing

It was somewhere between 1 and 1:30 am when I got home on a rainy tuesday night. I wasn't nearly buzzed enough and almost completely soaked through. Threw my keys on the coffee table and pulled the cap off my head. I never liked the feeling of wet wool. Some part of my chest hurt from smoking too much, and I entertained the thoughts of cancer in my lungs with the same enjoyment as being scared by a horror movie. Walked upstairs to discard the wet clothing and switch into pajama pants and my old army PT shirt.

heading back downstairs, the cold set in. I rubbed my arms, then fell onto the couch, turning on the TV as I pulled the blankets over me. The history channel started feeding me information on miracles and the catholic church. I pulled the blankets up more, until only my eyes were peering out from under them. Staring bleary-eyed at the TV, I felt alone. I felt cold, and I thought about how nice it would be to have her warmth next to me.

I missed her company and her silly faces.

Watching the TV, the rain coming down in the background, and as I passed out, sadness set in.

The grey and gloom only got worse outside. In doors, I could hide from it. Keeping the curtains closed, turning my back. Outside, I couldn't escape it. It weighed down on me. The rain slicked streets. The puddles. The motionless blank sky. The silence despite the noise of the city. My tired body. I waited for the bus, smoked a cigarette, and stared at my feet. Heart in my stomach.

Sitting on the bus, staring out the window. Quiet. Motionless. Tired. Colorless. I wanted nothing more then to leave work, and I hadn't even gotten there yet. It was 8:30 in the morning and the last thing I wanted to be doing was exactly what I was doing at that moment. The only place I belonged was in bed, asleep. I'd take nightmares over this morning.

Walk in 10 minutes late and stared at the pile of work before walking back out and getting a cup of coffee.

Fuck this shit. I'm not ready for this yet.

I got the coffee and walked right back outside, lighting up a cigarette. Looked up at the grey sky.

Fuck.

The coffee tasted like shit, and I knew I must of poured out the bottom of the container into my cup. I took another sip, then threw it in a trashcan.

Cigarette, it's just me and you now...

I finished the smoke and walked back inside, sighing. I saw the same people I see every day, and I didn't want to see them. I didn't smile at them, only mumbling the shortest response I could muster if they engaged me.

I expected the day to remain the same. Tedious. Gloomy. Fucking grey. Damp and unfriendly. I expected the numbness to continue, the day uneventful, but after a few hours of this the excitement hit, and by excitment, I mean total misery.

The water cooler exploded, rather the bottle of water on top of it decided to quietly and with a great deal of secrecy, empty itself across the floor.

"Ummm, guys, we got a problem here..." I called out, and they came over.

"How'd that happen?"

"Fucked if I know," I responded. "I'm gonna get a mop." and walked off as they started to move wet boxes with now damaged merchandise off the floor. I returned with the mop and bucket and began to slowly soak up the water. As I was mopping up, a dead mouse stuck to a trap floated out from under one of the shelves. I stopped and stared at it.

I sighed.

"I found where that dead smell was coming from..." I said, half talking to myself, half calling it out. I turned the mop around, and stuck the end of the handle onto the stick trap, lifting it off the floor. The dirty mop water splashed and dripped down the side of my leg.

I sighed.

Walked to the trashcan with the dead mouse and with more effort then I wanted to expend, eventually fought the sticky thing off the end of the handle. I went back to continue mopping the water up. I just wanted to leave work, but settled for an extra long cigarette break.

Nothing had changed outside. It looked exactly the same as it did when I left that morning. It felt exactly the same. Not any colder, not any warmer. Just grey, fucking grey. I sat down as far away as I could from passing people, leaning against the side of the building, and just sat. Watched the cigarette burn, the smoke blending in with the clouds. A drop of water hit my hand, and I looked around. It wasn't raining. I looked back at the ground again, and another drop of water hit my shoulder. Then another on my head. Another on my knee. Large drops of water were falling directly over top me.

what the fuck?...

I looked around. Splashes on the ground were circled around me, but nowhere else. It wasn't raining, yet I was getting rained on. A drop landed on the brim of my hat. On my shoe. On the back of my neck.

damnit...

It was no black rain cloud over my head, but it was close enough for me. It was fucking raining on me, but it wasn't raining anywhere else. I threw the cigarette to the ground and put it out under my heel. One of the guys I work with came outside for a smoke and walked up to me.

"What's up bro" he said, lighting his cigarette.

"Nothin man."

"You ok?"

"This weather is getting to me. It's too fucking grey." A silence followed. I lit up another cigarette, getting up and standing away from the drops of water. Silence. We stared out at the crowds of people coming and going, the cars moving and parking. I put the cigarette between my lips and held it there, reaching my hands into my pockets. I wanted to buy a soda and felt for some money, but found none. Not a cent. Just some bus tokens, an ID and my keys.

"godamnit..." I muttered.

"What's up?"

"I'm fucking broke, man... you got a cigarette I can bum? I left my full pack at home and I only got one left."

"This is my last one," he said. I sighed and let my shoulders sag. There were no surprises today. Everything was going to be shitty, and I tried to prepare myself for another 4 hours at work.

There wasn't much I could do to prepare. The ennui just grew and grew. Everything contributed to it's growth. I was sober, I was broke. I was tired, I was dirty. I needed to shave, I hate shaving. My clothes always reeked of booze and cigarettes. My feet hurt. The sky was grey, everything was damp. I felt nothing for anything. The only continious sense of emotion I had was the sinking feeling in my stomach. The feeling that something is wrong. When you're unable to figure out what that something is, everything starts to seem wrong.

The ennui grew and fed my apathy.

A silly face popped into my head, and I chuckled.

"What are you laughing about?" he asked, smiling.

"Nothing..." I shook my head. "I'm going back in," I said, putting out the cigarette.

A silly face. A smile and a quiet laugh.

Back inside.

Apathy.

I sat down on a bench, and tried to curl up into a ball without actually moving. It hadn't gotten colder out, but I felt chilly. My boss walked up and sat down next to me while we waited for the bus. We talked about how much the job was sucking lately.

"I hope you guys aren't holding out for this place. You really should start looking for new jobs. I mean, I hate to lose you guys, but there's probably gonna be another round of lay-offs this summer, and who knows if we'll get hit. There's just no hope in this place. Definitely no chance for raises, the brass already ruled that out."

"You tryin' to get out?" I asked. He laughed.

"I've been trying to get out since I first started." I smiled.

"I know what you're sayin. I just put all of that out of my head for now. I know I'm not going anywhere during the holidays. I'll probably start looking near the start of spring. That 13 cent cost-of-living raise I got this year just ain't cutting it."

"We were lucky to get that."

The bus rolled up and we got on. A little bit of chatter before it finally dwindled down, and we stopped talking. I pulled the hoodie of my sweatshirt up and leaned my head against the window. My body felt like it had carried the day on it's shoulders. Eyes unfocused, watching shapes and colors move by under the illumination of buildings, street lamps and headlights. The honking. The sqeaking brakes on the bus. The hiss as the doors opened and closed. I felt myself drift off into an uncomfortable sleep and shook myself awake. I'd take this evening over nightmares.

I jumped off the bus in the middle of downtown and lit up another cigarette. Walked to the corner, through the crowds and waited at a redlight. Staring down the street, through the crowds pushing their ways home.

Staring. Staring.

A chill and I huddled into myself. Exhaled the smoke. Staring. The puddles reflecting street lights. The white noise of the inner city. Surrounded by strangers. No accomplishments were made today.

A feeling of absolutely nothing set in.

The light turned green.

Stopped, stood in place and stared at the steps leading back down.

Silence.

a feeling of absolutely nothing.