I can never use it when I want to, only when it wants me to

You feel like you want to say something meaningful. You want yo make an impression that you've done the profound. At least, anything a notch or two above the mundane.

But it doesn't come. dear god, man, you think, just let that thing in my solar plexus rise up and heal someone. Let me give birth to jesus.

You never made a decision about God. You never thought one way or the another. Or you thought one way then another. But you want to have the jesus in your stomach come out properly. That being that isn't exactly you, but isn't exactly not you. It's that creative life.

Then you grow tired of what you wrote. You think it's trivial, meaningless, forced drivel. It's not the profound thoughts you had planned for. You shove a mental coat hanger into you, and kill of that jesus.

because it just wasn't proper. It wasn't supposed to happen.

fuck, you exclaim, right click on your mouse, click on "select all", then reach over and tap the delete key,

just

like

this