pain & pleasure

I bit my lip so hard today at work I actually heard the flesh tearing. It popped, the flesh that is. Of course, it was bleeding pretty nice.

speaking of bleeding, near the end of the day, I was cutting open a bag of bubble-wrap, and sliced my left hand ring finger. Right on the tip, straight up the middle. Started bleeding immediately. I cursed. It actually hurt. Normally, when I cut myself with the box cutter, or something else, it doesn't hurt. this time it actually hurt, I don't know why. It's not like I didn't hit nerve endings before when I was cut. I certainly did this time.

I dunno. it hurt. and I was bleeding.

my hands bleed a lot from work. I cut my hands twice last week on friday. I used to have soft hands when I was in high school. I sometimes stare at my hands now, and look at all the new wrinkles, the scars [both old and new]. The callouses now formed at the bottom of the middle and ring fingers, on my palms. The scars on my knuckles from punching various things...people sometimes. Dragging them down the lockers in high school till they bled... wanting physical pain to override the emotional caused by a girl. Maybe to balance the pain? Maybe it was all too emotional and no physical, and I needed to disperse the pain. Either way... the scars are there as a reminder.

I've since high school become a masochist, although not in the domination fetish way. In the way that intense pain causes me to laugh uncontrolably. How fights scare me, but that fear is filtered in pleasure.

The joy of fear.

Pain tells you you are alive. The more pain I experience, the more I feel the wonder of being alive.